


Bowtie-Wearing Book-Hoarding Beautiful Bastard Angel

by tequilamockinbird



Series: She's on AO3, she knows the risks she's taking [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Blog, Books, History, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), LGBTQ Themes, Literature, Memes, Multi, Porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:06:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 8,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tequilamockinbird/pseuds/tequilamockinbird
Summary: Crowley collects things that remind him of Aziraphale on a blog.Spinoff of Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Get Thee Behind Me, Foul Fiend - After You! https://archiveofourown.org/works/22518928
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: She's on AO3, she knows the risks she's taking [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653568
Comments: 204
Kudos: 231





	1. Book corset

Post by HereTryAnApple

This blog is gonna be a dump of things that remind me of someone. Like this creepy/fancy dress some French designer named Sylvie Falcon made. What kind of a name is that? It doesn’t even sound any less protagonist-y in French.

I bet he would change things up just to wear this. His curves in a corset? Holy shit. But I probably won't show it to him.

Comments:

YeatingBooksEverywhere: Change things up? Are you talking about transitioning? That's not a joke, dude.

HereTryAnApple: Mind your business dude.

myheadphoneslightup: Soooo pretty! Welcome to the site :)

BeingThoreau12: Awwwwww what a sweet idea for a blog!

HereTryAnApple: Don't make me block you

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: I could accept this challenge. You do have that coupon...

HereTryAnApple: How about you wear the corset but skip the skirt? ;)

HereHaveASword: Entirely possible, my dear.

HereTryAnApple: Holy hot shit, Angel, I was kidding.

HereHaveASword: I wasn't.

HereTryAnApple: I'm coming downstairs.


	2. Suck my bubble tea

Post by HereTryAnApple

Gonna show him this later and see if he even gets it.

EDIT: He completely ignored the joke, but he did ask me to go with him to get bubble tea tomorrow. One of these days I'm gonna figure out if he's really as oblivious as he pretends to be. 6000 damn years of acting experience make him good, but I have the same so I should be able to tell, dammit. 

Comments:

BeingThoreau12: Let us know how it goes!

HereTryAnApple: See update

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: HAHAHAHA bubble tea will never be the same again!

ScrewMemeSilly: You're both actors?! And he asked you out! Yay!

HereTryAnApple: Not exactly, on either count

myheadphoneslightup: That 6000 years hyperbole, lmao! The precision makes it perfect

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: I do indeed notice when you try to get a rise out of me, and I must say I did well keeping a straight face for thousands of years. 

HereTryAnApple: You did. And now that I can confirm you make dirty jokes on purpose, I get to build off them. Wanna lick some serious butt? :P

HereHaveASword: Maybe later.


	3. Wrestling with demons

I would take either. 😏 #ifuckingwish

Definitely not showing him this. 

Btw, I'm a demon

  
  


Comments:

ScrewMemeSilly: I laahhhhv this, esp from a mental health perspective. But why do you call yourself a demon?

HereTryAnApple: People have said I'm a demon on the dance floor. Also I am one

ScrewMemeSilly: bahahahahhaha

BeingThoreau12: Wait, so there's an angel/demon thing going on? I love paranormal romance! I knew I was right to subscribe to this

HereTryAnApple: Just don't mention Twilight and we'll be good

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: Wrestling, hmm? You'd undoubtedly win right now, seeing as I've lost some strength across the decades. 

HereTryAnApple: I wouldn't mind winning. Or losing, for that matter.

HereHaveASword: Very well, we'll add it to the list. I think I'd like to print a copy of this sign for the library.

HereTryAnApple: My feelings about that are... mixed.

HereHaveASword: Too late, it's printing. I even found a frame for it.

HereTryAnApple: God damn it. I love you.


	4. Leatherbound

_Thisismethisismethisismethisisme._

This is me.

Not literally. But I am absolutely well-read and leatherbound.

I hope this is Angel’s taste because this is me. 

Maybe one of these days I’ll tell him I read things. 

He can bind me in as much leather as he likes. (;

#imasexybook #imtoosexyformydustjacket

EDIT: I showed him and he just raised his eyebrows and said "Something like that." Now what's the appropriate amount of time to wait to tell him I've secretly read every book he's recommended since the Kindle app was invented?

Comments:

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: Uhhh not to be creepy but you sound hot

HereTryAnApple: I don't just sound it, but thank you

Made_in_shine_a: Beat up with a broken spine?

HereTryAnApple: Actually I did discorporate that way once

Made_in_shine_a: You had a broken spine??????

HereTryAnApple: I got better

ScrewMemeSilly: Yeah uh I'm still pulling for you but lemme know if it's a bust, k?

HereTryAnApple: You need to work on your cheerleading 

myheadphoneslightup: that hashtag! you have hashtag game! #goals

HereTryAnApple: Of course I do, I invented them

myheadphoneslightup: lol! And I think you should wait two weeks

FlyingChaucer2: Tom Hiddleston can bind me any day. And you can too if you resemble him whatsoever. Also, wait a month so he forgets about this

Megabought4: Thick enough to keep me up all night

HereTryAnApple: Ha!

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: These comments are clever. _Something like that,_ indeed. I know I was angry when you first told me you'd been secretly reading, but now it makes feel swoony every day, just knowing we can share books. The leather doesn't hurt the swoony feelings, either.

HereTryAnApple: Stop it, or I'm gonna.

HereHaveASword: What, swoon?

HereTryAnApple: Maybe.


	5. Tree with a beard

Post by HereTryAnApple

This guy could be such a dick, I thought he was great. 

Definitely trolling Angel with this one.

Also, I think I should try again to convince him to watch the movies. 

  
  
  


EDIT: All he did was lecture me about how it was supposed to be accessible to children. I said it was actually kind of condescending to their intellectual capacities and he shut up. Do you know how rare it is for me to win an argument? Gonna go do a demonic victory dance now.

Comments:

BeingThoreau12: Are you talking about Tolkien like you knew him? O.o

HereTryAnApple: Yeah well you're being Thoreau

BeingThoreau12: Fair enough

myheadphoneslightup: haha, yeah, this never made sense to me either. Love the story though, books and movies

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: YESSSSS I don't think Tolkien had any idea what kids even were. Talented in other ways, though.

BeingThoreau12: Are you suggesting that Tolkien appeared fully manifested, no childhood, and then never met a child throughout his lifetime? I envy that hard.

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: Yes. Yes, I am.

HereTryAnApple: Speaking as a former nanny, I second that

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: I relent, Tolkien couldn't make up his mind about his audience. Satisfied, dear? 

HereTryAnApple: Yes.

HereHaveASword: Gonna do a demonic victory dance? Because you could come upstairs for that.

HereTryAnApple: Fuck, I fucking love you. 


	6. Chauteneuf-du-pape

This seems to be our favorite wine we drink together. Unfortunately, this isn't his sense of humor, but I'm going to be thinking it in my head every time we drink it now.

Linked image:

[ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DSgsON3u8E)

EDIT: We got really drunk last night and I started calling it "Choodanoofadoofypoopy." He held up the bottle and looked at it and very seriously said, "I certainly hope it's not poopy." I about lost my shit laughing so hard. Ugh, I hope he doesn't remember.

Comments:

BeingThoreau12: That isn't my usual sense of humor, either, but the idea of pranking a foreigner with this is both cruel and hilarious.

HereTryAnApple: Angel and I have a... purple-eyed mutual acquaintance... who would benefit greatly from these videos...

BeingThoreau12: Just read your update! LOL

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: Who cares if it's his sense of humor? Call it that anyway.  
  


FlyingChaucer2: Yummy wine. Stupid humor. Magnifique.

ScrewMemeSilly: That whole channel is hilarious.

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: OMG, saw the edit, you did it! Be proud of your goofballery, man. Be proud.

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: As a matter of fact, I don't remember that. It must have been good wine. Definitely not poopy. 

HereTryAnApple: But can you imagine showing these to Gabriel???

HereHaveASword: The poor simpleton wouldn't know what hit him.

HereTryAnApple: Ha! Language, Angel! 


	7. All that frickin' rye

Post by HereTryAnApple

Trolling Angel with this ASAP.

EDIT: We were hanging out last night and I found a copy on a bookshelf. I pulled it out and held it up so he could see it and delivered the line like a fuckin’ Shakespearean actor, it was beautiful. “I _love_ this book. The way he just [fist clench, big inhale] _catches_ all that frickin’ rye.”

Him: “It’s Catcher IN the Rye, not Catcher OF the RYE.” Cue lecture about its significance… which was actually stupidly fascinating... Now I’m gonna have to read another book and not tell him.

He’s gonna be mad when I eventually tell him.

Kill me now. 

  
**Comments:**   
  


ScrewMemeSilly: Hahahahahahahaha! 

BeingThoreau12: It didn’t take you long to execute this plan. So much frickin’ rye in that book. #toomuchrye

myheadphoneslightup: Ryyyyyyyyyyyye-t??

  
  


PoodleMarkings4: Now you just need to start talking about how many mockingbirds Harper Lee inspired you to kill.

BeingThoreau12: And how great that friggin’ Gatsby is.

PoodleMarkings4: And how boring it must have been for Marquez to spend 100 years by himself. 

BeingThoreau12: And how things were such a bummer in 1984.

PoodleMarkings4: And those angry frickin’ grapes.

BeingThoreau12: And how that white whale was such a moby frickin’ dick.

HereTryAnApple: Just popping in to say thanks for the trolling material…

PoodleMarkings4: You’re welcome.

The following February [five months later]:

HereHaveASword: You naughty demon, you, I thought you'd come up with all of those clever jokes on your own! But these poor souls gave you "trolling material." @BeingThoreau12 and @PoodleMarkings4, I want to acknowledge your cleverness. He didn't give you credit.

HereTryAnApple: Oh, no. Here it comes...

BeingThoreau12: HOLY SHITWIZZ, BATMAN, IS THIS ANGEL??? ANGEL FOUND THE BLOG?? OR DID YOU SHOW IT TO HIM?? EITHER WAY AHHHHHHHHHH I'M SO HAPPY, Y'ALL GO KISS NOW PLS.

HereHaveASword: It's a pleasure to meet you, clever reader. And we most certainly will.


	8. Bowtie Bible

Post by HereTryAnApple

I’m trying to decide if this is a good enough Christmas present for him. Probably not. But he needs it. I mean, he doesn’t NEED it, he could have written it. But he needs to see it.

Linked image: 

[ ](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/bow-tie-bible-charles-chuck-c-blackburn/1123299598%20)

**Comments:**

Myheadphoneslightup: This is kyooooot

DapperGentleman7: Excellent taste, sir. I do believe this would make an exquisite stocking stuffer. 

HereTryAnApple: Did you make an account just to comment on this?

DapperGentleman7: I always comment in this manner. Feel free to check out my profile if you find yourself in doubt. There’s such a lack of manners and propriety on the internet. I hope to remedy that somewhat.

HereTryAnApple: You remind me of Angel. Hawt

DapperGentleman7: I’m sure I’m thrice your age.

HereTryAnApple: Wanna bet?

ScrewMemeSilly: I agree, get it as a stocking stuffer but not the main present.

HereTryAnApple: What makes you people think we do stockings? It’s not like we live together.

ScrewMemeSilly: Well you should.

HereTryAnApple: You don’t have to convince ME.

KinkyFLICKER1: Bowties are knotty. 

HereTryAnApple: Oh, which comeback to choose? "I can think of knottier things," "You have no idea," "You just summed up my Angel"...

KinkyFLICKER1: I aim to inspire.

BeingThoreau12: Make it part of a whole theme gift. A bunch of new bowties, the book, maybe some other bowtie-themed things.

HereTryAnApple: Not a bad idea...

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: Ah, so I owe the clever bowtie idea to @BeingThoreau12! And @KinkyFLICKER1 did not sum up anything. How dare you suggest such a thing?

HereTryAnApple: We literally just got done playing with ropes.

HereHaveASword: I fail to see how that is relevant.

BeingThoreau12: You're welcome!

KinkyFLICKER1: HOLY SHIT HE'S READING EVERYTHING!!! GUYS, IT'S HAPPENING!! AND THEY'RE PLAYING WITH ROPES AWFEOIH AEWEIUGLEFH AEWIH G;OAWIEJ OAWIJ ;WOIWE FOIH HEAD SPLODING BYE

HereHaveASword: It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, @KinkyFLICKER1. Kindly keep your head intact. And @HereTryAnApple, moving in together is a discussion we should have sometime soon.


	9. Look, it's me and Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to update RAR tomorrow. It's moving again, but it needs a little more work.

Post by HereTryAnApple

Hey, guys, wanna see a picture of me and Angel?

  
Obviously, I'm the one on the right.

**Comments:**

BeingThoreau12: That’s exactly what I feel like I’m doing when I’m trying to flirt.

HereTryAnApple: #stopitimrelating

BeingThoreau12: Because you just want to show you’re interested, so you’re up in their face, but it also requires being nice and HOW

HereTryAnApple: #isaidstopit

DapperGentleman7: Ah, to be young and in love. And canine.

HereTryAnApple: #1outof3

myheadphoneslightup: Awwwww don’t bite his face, just, you know, kiss it

HereTryAnApple: #worstadviceever

KinkyFLICKER1: #orisitthebestadviceever

HereTryAnApple: #no

ScrewMemeSilly: I really want to find a dirty joke in this and I can’t quite get there.

KinkyFLICKER1: I CAN. DO IT. SUCK HIS FACE.

HereTryAnApple: I would if he’d let me. @DapperGentleman7, you have the same sense of propriety as my angel. What do I have to do to get him to let me suck his face?

DapperGentleman7: Observe the rules of courtship, be kind to him, and make your intentions clear.

HereTryAnApple: No.

KinkyFLICKER1: Bahahahahaha it took you like three days just to respond with “No.”

The following February [four months later]:

  
HereHaveASword: Oh, where to begin? First of all, unless the world sees you quite differently than I do, you are much more suave than a face-chomping husky. If I recall, you were rather quiet for a few days in early October, as though you were agonizing over something. Was it @DapperGentleman7's advice?

HereTryAnApple: Angel, I'm flattered, but I'm really NOT more suave than a face-chomping husky. That just about sums up my suave-ness. And yes, it was.


	10. I'm a crepe (eat me;))

Post by HereTryAnApple

I just ordered this and the battle plan is to go over to Angel’s, and if he doesn’t get the reference, use this as a reason to make him listen to Radiohead.

Btw, he loves crepes. He once risked his LIFE for crepes.

Linked image:

[ ](https://www.teepublic.com/crewneck-sweatshirt/4118906-im-a-crepe-weirdo-funny-food-pun-thin-flat-crepes)

UPDATE A WEEK LATER: Guys. It worked. I made him listen to Radiohead. He didn’t even call it bebop. He even made this funny little remark - something like, “You know how I feel about crepes, and it would seem weirdos are to my taste, also.” Gaaahhhhhhhhh taste me Angel please 

myheadphoneslightup: So cuuuuuute

HereTryAnApple: Shut upppppp

BeingThoreau12: Puns are the best. Wait, did he really risk his life for CREPES?

HereTryAnApple: Wish I were kidding.

DapperGentleman7: Oh, dear. Not quite my fashion sense or my taste in music, I’m afraid. 

HereTryAnApple: But is it your taste in food?

DapperGentleman7: I prefer waffles.

HereTryAnApple: Oh, thank Satan, I was thinking you might secretly BE Angel.

DapperGentleman7: Sorry to disappoint, but like I said, I’m likely thrice your age.

HereTryAnApple: You’re really not.

myheadphoneslightup: Saw the update. The t-shirt is cute but y’all sound ADORABLE

HereTryAnApple: Shut. UPPPPPPPP.

myheadphoneslightup: No. :P

KinkyFLICKER1: WHOA, HE SAID THAT??? ANGEL IS THIRSTY FOR HERETRYANAPPLE!

HereTryAnApple: No. He’s not. You think? No. You really think so?

KinkyFLICKER1: Keep my username in mind but HELL YES, I DO

HereTryAnApple: No. Really????

KinkyFLICKER1: Not to mention your “taste me please”... Not to be a Bing about it, but could you BE any thirstier? 

HereTryAnApple: Yes. Yes I could.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: I see your punk crepe pun and raise you:

HereTryAnApple: That t-shirt is next.

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: I can confirm that weirdos are indeed to my taste, even more so than crepes.

HereTryAnApple: ANGEL! Oh my Satan...


	11. Lesbiennale - London’s First Lesbian Festival

Post by HereTryAnApple

Saving this here as a reminder to invite him: 

[ **_Lesbiennale - London’s First Lesbian Festival_ ** ](https://www.timeout.com/london/news/londons-first-lesbian-festival-is-coming-in-october-091719)

EDIT: Calm, yourselves, humans. Rando asshole trolls - stop making assumptions and mind your business. 

Followers who have been standing up for me - thank you. For your sake, I’ll mention that I am LGBTQ+. Angel and I are both nonbinary and typically present as male. 

Also, he turned me down for this one. He said it wasn’t his scene. Whatever, I’m going anyway.

EDIT 2: This was so much fun. I presented as nonbinary, and nobody minded me being there whatsoever. Made some friends, one of them is gonna be a follower. That will be the first person I know in real life who knows about this blog. Soooooo, eek about that...

  
  
  


**Comments:**

WTFishappeningboo: Why are you inviting a dude to this? It’s gonna be all chicks. Unless you wanna watch, I can appreesh that.

KinkyFLICKER1: Even I think that’s gross, and I’m a kinky FLICKER. And maybe they’re allies, or trans, you don’t know shit. GTFO pls.

BeingThoreau12: @KinkyFLICKER1: Hear, hear! But don’t be polite and say pls to a troll you’re telling off! LMAO

KinkyFLICKER1: You’re British? Or are you rich enough to fly to London on a whim

HereTryAnApple: Both.

TooManyBooksInTheKitchen: Leaving lurk mode to say ummmm you’re in a hetero relationship, right? Or at least trying to be… Why would you want to go to this?

LeavesOfGrdonkey: Leaving lurk mode to tell you to STFU and stop assuming @HereTryAnApple is a girl

TooManyBooksInTheKitchen: Don’t talk to me like that, fucking troll

LeavesOfGrDonkey: I’M the troll???

HereTryAnApple: @TooManyBooksInTheKitchen apologize or fuck off. Thank you, @LeavesOfGrDonkey, love the username, btw

LeavesOfGrDonkey: YW and thank YOU

DapperGentleman7: Oh dearie me, these “trolls” can quite frankly go suck some eggs.

KinkyFLICKER1: YEAH BOI, GET ‘EM, YOU DAPPER GENTLEMAN, YOU

HereTryAnApple: You talk so much like Angel, I couldn’t help imagining this in his voice, and it made my YEAR

ScrewMemeSilly: Whoa, saw the update. Didn’t realize this blog was LGBTQ+, love it even more now! Rooting for you!

myheadphoneslightup: So glad these trolls got told off and you had fun. I’m seriously wondering what you look like now. Not in a creepy way, just curious. 

HereTryAnApple: I’m a gothish ginger douche who never takes off their sunglasses

myheadphoneslightup: That’s actually a great mental picture, thanks.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Hello new frand! I commented on your previous post too. This blog is ADORBS.

HereTryAnApple: Enjoy, because I can never introduce you to Angel, now. You know too much.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: You’ll just have to tell him how you feel and THEN introduce him to me as your PARTNER

HereTryAnApple: Oh, I’ll get right on that, my romantic timing is totally dictated by your whims

WelcomeToThePrideParade: My whims say tell him ASAP :P

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: I find myself wishing I had gone with you. I wanted to at the time, but I was worried about wearing out my welcome in your company. In addition, @TooManyBooksInTheKitchen does not deserve a username that wonderful. 

HereTryAnApple: You will never wear out your welcome in my company ;) but a word to the wise, don't compliment trolls.

HereHaveASword: I made it backhanded! Give me credit for that.


	12. Angel's favorite actor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all of you are staying safe. This pandemic is blowing my mind.

Angel makes a big deal out of this one actor sometimes, this total doof who can’t even sit in a chair normally. We saw him in Hamlet in London in 2009 and he insisted on seeing him in productions of Much Ado and Richard II also. It’s kinda annoying because I don’t GET IT. The guy isn’t that attractive and he’s obviously a giant dork. But every time I ask Angel about it, he’s just like, “He reminds me of someone” AND WON’T TELL ME WHO.

Anyway, today I found this video of him [ being a dork for 12 minutes straight ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqqa3v4vW6w). Like, at one point he burps and says “I’m such a child.” It’s GOTTA turn Angel off about him. It’s gotta.

EDIT: It didn’t. He likes that he’s out of touch with technology, apparently. And he said this weird thing about “He’s got a bit of a scary, edgy side I like.” WTF ANGEL I’M A LITERAL DEMON, LIKE MY SCARY EDGY SIDE.

And then he made me explain what an eggplant emoji means. And then he wanted to go out for eggplant parmesan. So at least we did that.

  
  


**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: I LOVE DAVID TENNANT! If Angel hasn’t seen Doctor Who yet, get him binge watching, DO IT!

HereTryAnApple: Why???? I don’t want to ENCOURAGE this

WelcomeToThePrideParade: You don’t want to make him horny and crushy around you? Fine, then, ignore my advice. 

HereTryAnApple: When you put it that way…

Myheadphoneslightup: Daww, you’re so jealous.

DapperGentleman7: I feel the need to reassure you that such celebrities are out of reach for common folk, so your Angel’s crush is harmless. I prefer Catherine Tate, myself. 

BeingThoreau12: Hey, yeah, could the eggplant parm date be some kind of flirtation? Seems that way to me.

HereTryAnApple: I highly doubt it.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: David Tennant even belches sexy.

HereTryAnApple: I don’t GET it, he’s not that HOT.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: Get your eyes checked. lol

ScareMemeSilly: I wanna see your scary, edgy side. Say something scary and edgy.

HereTryAnApple: I will put you down the garbage disposal.

ScareMemeSilly: That would be scary if I would fit....

HereTryAnApple: I would MAKE you fit.

ScareMemeSilly: Better. Thanks!

  
  


The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: @BeingThoreau12, you must also have a great mind. The eggplant parmesan date was flirtation. I thought I was being subtle...

HereTryAnApple: Angel... what the fuck...?

BeingThoreau12: As long as all eggplants were consumed and happy in the end.

HereTryAnApple: Ha!


	13. Shut the fucupcakes

This is Angel’s vibe, in a nutshell. Beautiful and majestic and adorable and peaceful freakin’ unicorn on the outside… but actually he just want the world to leave him the fuck alone.

Not sure whether I should show him. He’d deny it.

EDIT: I couldn’t help myself. I showed him. He made this irritated noise and said “If that’s my vibe, you have the vibe of a gothic cinnamon roll.” What does that even mean???? He refused to explain. Guys. Help.

  
  


**Comments:**

BeingThoreau12: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but [ https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cinnamon_roll ](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/cinnamon_roll)

HereTryAnApple: There is NO WAY that’s what he meant. Where would he have even LEARNED that?

BeingThoreau12: It’s frequently used in discussions of fiction these days. 

HereTryAnApple: That better fucking not be what he meant. I will wall-slam him again.

KinkyFLICKER1: Kinky.

HereTryAnApple: Yes, but that’s just a bonus, the point is he can’t be calling me “good, gentle, and kind”

DapperGentleman7: Whyever not? These seem like words of praise.

HereTryAnApple: Because it’s gross? I’m a demon

myheadphoneslightup: How exactly are you a demon?

HereTryAnApple: I just AM. I guess I’m retired, but I’m heading over there now and I’m going to ask him if this is what he meant.

KinkyFLICKER1: Keep us updated on any wall-slams ;)

DapperGentleman7: Good luck! I hope you achieve the best possible outcome.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Oooooh I’m late to the discussion but how’d it go how’d it go???

HereTryAnApple: Okay, I am all kinds of confused. Help me figure out if he was flirting? Because here’s how it went:

_Me: Hey, when you called me a cinnamon roll, did you mean a type of character who’s kind and gentle and shit?_

_Angel: I did, but I suppose I didn’t really think it through._

_Me: How so?_

_Angel: You’re much sweeter than a cinnamon roll._

_Me: *grabbing him by the collar* Say that again._

_Angel: *sarcastic* Oh, unhand me, you terrifying monster._

_Me: *lets go* Take it back._

_Angel: *straightening bowtie* If it makes you feel better, you’re more of a dark chocolate truffle around most people. Bitter and hard on the outside, sweet and gooey on the inside._

_Me: I. Am. Not. Gooey!_

_Angel: *with a really funny look on his face* Fine. Fine. If it’s really upsetting you, I’ll stop teasing._

_Me: Good. Because I’m not sweet, or gooey, or cinnamon, or kind, or gentle, or -_

_Angel: My dear, do I need to bake you some cupcakes?_

Soooo yeahhh whaaaaaat exactly just happened?

WelcomeToThePrideParade: First of all, YOU GRABBED HIM BY THE COLLAR? COULD YOU BE ANY WORSE AT THIS? VIOLENCE = BAD, YOU FUCKING HEATHEN. So cut that shit out and you might stand a chance, because he was TOTALLY flirting with you.

HereTryAnApple: He knows I don’t mean it, I just kinda have to, we’ve always been like that. And wait, really???

DapperGentleman7: He thinks quite highly of you, I’d estimate. While I agree that violence is not a great way for you to express yourself, it seems like he wasn’t afraid. I would apologize as soon as possible though, I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate the impropriety.

myheadphoneslightup: I can’t believe you grabbed him like that. I’m out. It’s been real, sorry not sorry.

HereTryAnApple: Okay, I get it, the manhandling might be a little much. It’s like my only excuse to touch him though… Fuck, why is flirting hard.

BeingThoreau12: They’ve already told you what you did wrong, so I won’t repeat it. Just you know. Damn, I didn’t realize you responded to flirtation with collar-grabbing. You are a little socially maladept, huh? It’s okay, we all are here. 

HereTryAnApple: Kind. Gentle. Good. Sweet. Gooey. Violent. Socially maladept. They ALL feel like bad things. How do I even demon anymore? This is dumb.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: I don’t think you ruined anything. Just back off on the physical expressions of anger and you should be fine. Apologizing isn’t a bad idea, either.

HereTryAnApple: Fine. Thanks, guys.

KinkyFLICKER1: I still say the collar grab was kinda kinky. Ill-advised, but kinky.  
  


The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: You seem to have some friends here, my dear. The collar-grab would have indeed been ill-advised for most pairs of people, but it was exactly what I was hoping for... So allow me to set the record straight. @WelcomeToThePrideParade, @DapperGentlman7, @myheadphoneslightup, @KinkyFLICKER1, I would like to let you all know that the dynamic between myself and @HereTryAnApple involves such manhandling at times and it was not unwelcome. 

myheadphoneslightup: Weird flex but ok

KinkyFLICKER1: Yessssssss!

HereTryAnApple: Wait. You've been provoking me into touching you all this time? On purpose?

HereHaveASword: Yes. I do prefer wall-slams to collar-grabbing, though.

HereTryAnApple: I'll keep that in mind.


	14. Apologies are hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might notice that I updated the estimated chapter count for this. If Crowley started the blog mid-September after the a-nope-alypse and updated an average of four times a week up into the Valentine's Day shenanigans from RAR, 112ish chapters should be about perfect. The challenging part will be building up his followers, writing more and more comments as it goes on...
> 
> This one's gonna be around a while ;)

To catch up anyone who hasn’t been following - yesterday Angel and I got in a fight and I grabbed him by the collar. According to 100% of the internet, that was Not Cool. So I went over today to apologize.

I brought him a box of his favorite chocolates and said “This is an apology.”

He gave me this weird smirk and said “No, this is a box of chocolates.”

Me: Um. Okay. I’m sorry?

Angel: Try it without the upward inflection.

Me: I’m sorry.

Angel: For?

Me: Argh. Being all... collar-grabby.

Angel: Thank you. But I knew you didn’t mean anything by it, old habits die hard. I don’t mind your manhandling, really.

WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN????? 

**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Ummmm he’s flirting with you HARD, that’s what it means.

KinkyFLICKER1: And he has a submissive side. Fuck, that’s hot.

BeingThoreau12: How did you respond to that?

HereTryAnApple: I’m pretty sure I just turned red and my head exploded. I went and sat on the sofa and refused to make eye contact for an hour? Fuck, I am bad at this. I’m not normally this bad at this! A year ago I was thotting my way around half of London, but Angel is different.

DapperGentleman7: Unless he sees you as some kind of charity case or child figure, I don’t know why he would say such a thing outside of flirtation.

HereTryAnApple: He fucking better not see me as a charity case or a child figure

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Well if it throws tantrums like a duck and has to be coached through apologies like a duck it IS a pretty childish duck

HereTryAnApple: I’m just gonna let that slide off me like water.

FlyingChaucer2: The correct response was, "Then perhaps we should try it in a different context."

HereTryAnApple: Actually the only conceivable response was, and I cannot stress this enough, BOOM (brains fly everywhere) 

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Stop being dramatic.

HereTryAnApple: No.

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: I have a feeling I'm going to be saying this quite a bit as I go through this blog, but yes, I was flirting with you. If you thought I might be flirting with you, I probably was. When you turned red and sat silently for a time, I thought you were embarrassed over your behavior; I didn't realize my flirtation, even theoretical flirtation, had such a strong effect.

HereTryAnApple: Theoretical Flirtation should be the name of a romance novel about us.

HereHaveASword: You'll have to write that.

HereTryAnApple: No.


	15. Book reviews

Post by HereTryAnApple 

October 9th, 2019

I shared these with Angel today. He called the high literature reviews “reductive” and had no comment on the Fifty Shades review. I even teased him that 79 instances of “Oh my” and 82 instances of “Jeez” sounded like his typical afternoon, but he didn’t take the bait.

[10 Hilarious Book Reviews](http://forreadingaddicts.co.uk/literature/10-hilarious-book-reviews/24648%20)

Linked image:

[ ](http://forreadingaddicts.co.uk/literature/10-hilarious-book-reviews/24648%20)

**Comments:**

  
  
  


BeingThoreau12: Even the most dedicated literary scholars have to admit that some canonical works are pretty ridiculous. I’m a little insulted that Fifty Shades is on a list with a bunch of greats.

DapperGentleman7: Does he really say “Jeez”? You’ve mentioned we talk similarly, and I don’t say “Jeez.”

HereTryAnApple: Okay, that one was a stretch, but I have heard him say “Oh, my.”

LiteraryCanonInD: These are funny! I agree with @BeingThoreau12. And this blog seems pretty cute… It seems to be a potential LGBTQ love story? Following.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Welcome... to the... you know.

HereTryAnApple: Did you have to? Really???

KinkyFLICKER1: Stop knocking my favorite book, assholes LMAO

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: A few weeks ago, we were discussing Fifty Shades, and I specified that I dislike it not because it's erotica, but because it's poorly written. I did NOT mention that it's a poor representation of BDSM practices. 

HereTryAnApple: I knew that, but yeah, hearing that from you at that time would have rendered me catatonic.


	16. Rubber duck bowtie

Post by HereTryAnApple

October 12, 2019

A new addition to the bowtie-themed Christmas package. Thanks for the idea, @BeingThoreau12.

Rubber ducks are a bit of an inside joke.

Linked image:   
[](https://www.ties.com/v/a/bowties-unlimited-rubber-duck-blue-freestyle-bowtie?gclid=Cj0KCQjwx7zzBRCcARIsABPRscMDAysuMQu01Vtu3q8oKh0_eZrb7C4UH8VUmMlPK1637PqMO9CNTD0aAp5SEALw_wcB%20)

  
  


**Comments:**

ScrewMemeSilly: Cute!  
  


BeingThoreau12: 

HereTryAn Apple: Thanks for that mental image. I’m not sure whether I’m being sarcastic.

KinkyFLICKER1: I couldn’t have done better, myself! 

HereTryAnApple: I do not need to get off to the mental image of Angel in just a bowtie.

KinkyFLICKER1: Says who?

LiteraryCanonInD: You’re putting together a bowtie-themed Christmas package? That’s so sweet. If I were to receive something like that, I’d totally fuck you in just a bowtie.

HereTryAnApple: Goddammit, stop!

INeedAFpoon: Is Angel a child? That’s definitely a child bowtie. If Angel is a child, this whole thing is creepy.

DapperGentleman7: We will have you know Angel is a sophisticated gentleman like myself.

HereTryAnApple: Thanks for standing up for my Angel, @DapperGentleman7... Go fuck yourself, @INeedAFpoon

  
WelcomeToThePrideParade: What kind of interesting adult actually gets away with bowties on the regular? I really want to meet him.

HereTryAnApple: Tough.

The following February [four months later]:

HereHaveASword: @LiteraryCanonInD has a point. It was a very thoughtful gift.

HereTryAnApple: Let's discuss that not here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, I need some help/advice. In RAR, when Crowley describes the blog, he mentions porn of people who look like Aziraphale. I am stumped on how to accomplish this.
> 
> For one thing, I cannot find such porn in actual existence, unfortunately. All my search terms are producing squat. So question #1 is, do any of you happen to have a resource you could send me? My tumblr is https://courtneydileshenderson.tumblr.com/ (Feels weird to solicit porn like this, but onward with the quest, I suppose.)
> 
> Question #2 - This is a big of a crackbrained idea, but I was wondering if I could get some fanartists to help me out. It might be meta in a fun way to use actual fanart of Aziraphale as "porn resembling Aziraphale." What do you think of this idea?
> 
> Question #3 - Worst case scenario, what I would do is describe a porn gif/image/video in brackets instead of using an actual visual. Do you think this would be acceptable?
> 
> Thank you!!


	17. Holy Abuse

Post by HereTryAnApple

October 15, 2019

HOLY SHIT. LITERALLY. HOLY BULL-FUCKING SHIT.

I knew we both just got out of abusive relationships, but I didn't realize it could all be compared to THIS so well. 

His case fits even better than mine! Holy fuck. 

Thank fuck sexual abuse didn't go far on either side. That I know of. 

He might not be ready to see this, but one of these days, I'll bring it up. He needs to know he did the right thing, leaving their horrible ass.

[ https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship ](https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship)

EDIT: Guys, stop being sentimental, it belongs in this collection, I wasn’t looking to throw a pity party, damn.

  
  
  


**Comments:**

ScrewMemeSilly: Whoa, this took a dark turn. I'm sorry you went through that

BeingThoreau12: Whoa, I’m so sorry… but what do you mean didn’t go FAR?

HereTryAnApple: We both experienced certain… pressures… relating to sex. Sorry, not explaining more than that.

BeingThoreau12: I respect that boundary. That sounds terrible for both of you. I’m glad you have each other.

WelomeToThePrideParade: Dude, if you ever need to talk this out, you have my number.

FlyingChaucer2: Here for you.

DapperGentleman7: I’d like to express my sincerest condolences for what you’ve been through. Learning this much personal information isn’t my strong suit, but I support you.

LiteraryCanonInD: Fuck. This is not the adorable flirty stories I followed for. But my heart goes out to you. :(

BettyWhiteButNotTheCoolOne: I’m rooting for you two even more now. Sending love.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: Not to be sentimental or anything per your updated but I ADORE YOU AND ANGEL AND I WANT TO SEE YOU TWO MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been planning this one for a while. T.T
> 
> On another note, it's a happy day for me. For the past fifteen years, I have had one (1) best friend. Now I have three (3). And we all say "I love you" at the end of conversations and I love real adult relationships, holy shit.


	18. WelcomeToThePrideParade met Angel

Post by HereTryAnApple

October 20, 2019

WelcomeToThePrideParade and I met up for coffee and she caught me staring at a place across the street. And then she put it together that it was where Angel lived. 

So she met him.

Just warning all of you, because she’s going to gloat and make a big deal, and she’s NOT GOING TO SAY HIS NAME, GOT ME? Or mine.

**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: OMG GUYS, Angel is SO GAY. GAYER THAN LIKE, MONKEYS ON DRUGS, OKAY? GAY monkeys on GAY drugs. AND THE BOWTIE THING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. And @HereTryAnApple is not wrong, he’s gorgeous.

HereTryAnApple: Hands off.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: I’m a lesbian, daggum. I just know a pretty man when I see one

BeingThoreau12: Holy shit, what does he look like?

WelcomeToThePrideParade: He’s a blond, blue-eyed FUCKING ANGEL

KinkyFLICKER1: What did you SAY to him??? PLEASE tell me you dropped some kind of hints on our boy @HereTryAnApple.

HereTryAnApple: She did. “Oh, I’ve heard so much about you,” “So you’re the famous [name redacted],” “I was hoping to meet you.” Seriously, bitch, didja have to?

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Yes, I did, it is my duty as your friend. And that was another thing - Angel was all like, “I wasn’t even sure @HereTryAnApple had any other friends. I must say I’m a bit taken aback.” So then I found a way to work the words “this girl I’m dating” into the conversation and he looked SO RELIEVED. He’s into you, @HereTryAnApple! I really think so!

HereTryAnApple: Damn it, stop getting my hopes up!

LiteraryCanonInD: No way! I want to meet him! I have an excellent radar for these sorts of things, I could totally tell whether he’s into you, @HereTryAnApple.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: I’m so jealous!

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Hey, @HereTryAnApple, when I saw you presenting as male for the first time today, I couldn’t stop thinking, “Who does he remind me of???” AND I FIGURED IT OUT! YOU LOOK LIKE DAVID TENNANT! THAT’S why Angel likes him!

KinkyFLICKER1: Holy shit. Ha!

ScrewMemeSilly: So when are you making your move, @HereTryAnApple? Looks like you’ve got a wingwoman.

HereTryAnApple: No, seriously? I look like that guy? 

WelcomeToThePrideParade: TOTALLY

  
  
  
  


HereHaveASword: David Tennant's resemblance to you is indeed the reason I enjoy his work, @HereTryAnApple.

HereTryAnApple: Wow. Uh, good to know.


	19. Halloween plans

Post by HereTryAnApple

October 25, 2019

Guys, I tried. I tried to actually flirt with him for once. I said we should do a “themed” costume for Halloween and go to this party. I’m a redhead, so I was thinking Peter Pan and Captain Hook, or Scarlet Widow and whatever Avenger he would have picked, or even Poison Ivy and Batman. I didn’t think I fucking cared. 

But.

It turns out he already had his heart set on dressing up like Dumbledore and giving out candy from home. So he roped me into being Fawkes the phoenix. He originally suggested a Weasley... And I managed to say, and I quote, “That doesn’t seem very couple-y, though.” Bravest fucking thing I’ve done in my life, and I stopped the apocalypse. 

So now I’m a fucking bird.

  
  


**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Aww, how appropriate, considering your tendency to explode around him.

HereTryAnApple: Fawkes doesn’t explode, he just kind burns up into ash. But same difference, I guess.

KinkyFLICKER1: The question is, are you going to be a SLUTTY Fawkes?

HereTryAnApple: I guarantee it. He’s gonna have to alter my costume until it’s appropriate for children to see, I can tell you that right now.

Literary Cannon: Dumbledore and Fawkes = best couples costume ever

ScrewMemeSilly: You’re a redhead? *purrs*

DapperGentleman7: Oh, do try and do Fawkes justice. Such a beautiful character. Perhaps you could use an Italian masquerade mask? Some of them have beak-like nose pieces and orange and red feathers. 

FlyingChaucer2: Am I given to understand that we’re going to get a redhead in a SLUTTY FAWKES COSTUME out of this? 

HereTryAnApple: I will not be posting pics. 

FlyingChaucer2: Boooooo

The following February [four months later]: 

HereHaveASword: Oh, you absolute demon! You made the costume inappropriate on purpose? I should have known.

HereTryAnApple: Of course I did. If there was ANY chance whatsoever of driving you crazy with my body, I was going to do it. 

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Damn, @HereTryAnApple, that was bold.

HereHaveASword: Now I'm wondering. My approach has always been the opposite, but you do have that coupon.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: What coupon? @HereTryAnApple?

HereTryAnApple: ;)


	20. Being an explosive bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hear your demand for an image of Aziraphale and Crowley as Dumbledore and Fawkes. I am going to seek out fanartists, but I don't have money for a commission at this time. So if you draw, or you know someone who would have fun with this, go for it! I will totally post it on here. Thanks!

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 1, 2019 

I would like to report back that I made Angel COMPLETELY flustered with the original version of my Fawkes costume. It was a red bikini and a flamey wing-shawl thing tied around my neck and wrists. And an Italian masquerade bird-mask, like @DapperGentleman7 suggested. Because, you know, I’m classy. 

Angel: You can’t give candy to children like that.

Me: Why not? This is Soho.

Angel: Even so, why don’t you save that particular incarnation of the outfit for clubbing, afterwards? I’m sure you’ll be out on the town?

Me: Wasn’t planning on it. 

Angel: I must insist you change into proper clothing instead of… underthings. 

Me: It’s a swimsuit, Angel. (I actually do call him Angel.)

Angel: You’ll be cold. And indecent.

Me: Fine, didn’t mean to offend you.

Angel: You know I don’t mind, it’s others who will. 

So at least I got him to say he doesn’t mind seeing me in a bikini? Although I doubt he meant it like that.

And yes, I'm presenting as a man. Men can wear bikinis. Especially ones as hot as me. 

Anyway. In the end, I put on a red dress over the swimsuit. 

The trick-or-treating was annoying because every. Single. Harry. Potter. Character. Wanted a picture taken with us. Some of them weren’t even cute. But there was a black Hermione that should have been in the movies. I mean, I love Emma Watson, but this little girl wins.

Anyway. As soon as they were all done and we could break out the wine, I took the dress off again. Said I was hot. And I was. 

He didn’t comment, but he did seem kind of red and had a little trouble looking at me. 

I’m feeling braver. Maybe WelcomeToThePrideParade is right?

  
  
  


**Comments:**   
  


LiteraryCanonInD: You call him Angel? *dies*

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Can confirm, he did that right in front of me, he didn’t even seem to realize it. And of course I'm right. 

HereTryAnApple: I did???? Fuck. Well, you must have played it cool.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: I did, even though it was entirely unnecessary because HE’S INTO YOU, GO FOR IT ALREADY.

FlyingChaucer2: I demand pics. Pics or it didn’t happen.

HereTryAnApple: Then it didn’t happen.

FlyingChaucer2: PICS!!!!

HereTryAnApple: Keep this up and I’ll spam your inbox with dick pics (none of them mine).

FlyingChaucer2: Ugh, fine.

DapperGentleman7: It’s always a pleasure to see decency win out in such situations, and I’m so glad you took my advice about the mask! 

HereTryAnApple: Proper Italian thing, too, it was expensive.

ScrewMemeSilly: You hung out with him and got drunk and drank wine in his house in a BIKINI and he let you? Yeah, he likes you.

HereTryAnApple: I dunno. Weird things happen on Halloween.

HarryOtterWalkAway: Is this a story about a man trying to seduce someone using a slutty Fawkes costume? Is this seriously what I just stumbled across?

HereTryAnApple: Not seduce, exactly… Okay, maybe…

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Oh, and he didn’t mention, Angel was dressed like Dumbledore

HarryOtterWalkAway: I MUST AWAY AND ALERT THE FANDOM

HereTryAnApple: Do not. Please.

FlyingChaucer2: Find a hacker in the fandom to find photos?

HereTryAnApple: FUCKING DON’T.

HarryOtterWalkAway: Fine, jeez, kidding.

  
  


The following February [four months later]: 

HereHaveASword: I actually did mind seeing you in such a state, but only because it was inconveniently arousing. I couldn't say that at the time, of course. I must say, I wished for a photo of your costume, also. We didn't get any of the original version, did we?

HereTryAnApple: I might have some selfies...

HereHaveASword: Oh, wonderful! Although perhaps you shouldn't have admitted that in this forum.

HereTryAnApple: They can suck it. If they whine, my arsenal of not-my dick pics is ready to go.


	21. Angel is soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the unplanned hiatus. It's been a rough few days. I almost ended up in the hospital, but hopefully the danger is now past. <3

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 5, 2019

So I’m a skinny twiggy boney thing, right? Angel isn’t like that. He’s soft. Not as big as the gentlemen in this video, but I still wonder if he’s insecure about it sometimes. It seems like every once in a while he carries himself like he’s insecure about it? I don’t know, I could be making things up. But if he is insecure about it, someone (NOT ME) should show him this song.

[ https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/gay-bear-lover-tom-goss/ ](https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/gay-bear-lover-tom-goss/)

  
  
  


Comments:

FlyingChaucer2: Body positivity w00t

HereTryAnApple: Did you just w00t? Nobody has w00ted since 2005

FlyingChaucer2: This body positivity is epic enough to bring back the w00t

LeavesOfGrDonkey: I think it’s sexy when people look INTERESTING. Yeah, fine, Henry Cavill is cute, but he’s so generic. The men in this video are fun to look at. Am I the only one who gets tired of the lack of variety in media? Anyway.

ScrewMemeSilly: Righhhhht? Sexy has no profile. Sexy is just sexy.

DapperGentleman7: Sexy is a mindset.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: Well put, @DapperGentleman7

HarryOtterWalkAway: Did anyone else think of Hagrid? Crap, I’m not sure I want a crush on Hagrid. Oh, well, too late now.

KinkyFLICKER1: Why NOT you?

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Yes, “my dear boy,” why not you?

KinkyFLICKER1: Wait, does Angel call HereTryAnApple “my dear boy”????

WelcomeToThePrideParade: He does. He does indeed. 

HereTryAnApple: Shut it, @WelcomeToThePrideParade, he doesn’t mean anything by it.

KinkyFLICKER1: OMFG YOU’RE ANGEL’S DEAR BOY - HOW DOES THAT FEEL??

HereTryAnApple: Like punching both of you in the face.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Stop being cranky, my dear boy. You never answered the question. Why NOT YOU?

HereTryAnApple: Because he’s a fucking ANGEL, and he doesn’t need to know I PERV on him until I have investigated further.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Uhhhh I’ve seen him look at you? He pervs on you too, hate to break it to ya.

HereTryAnApple: 6000 years of rejection point elsewhere.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: What does that even mean???

  
  


The following February [four months later]: 

HereHaveASword: Is this really how you feel about my, well, softness, @HereTryAnApple?

HereTryAnApple: Pretty much.

HereHaveASword: <3 Please come see me.


	22. I think I should shut the blog down

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 7, 2019

Hey guys, so, I tried to get Angel to talk about his sex life today. I’d mentioned mine in the past and he never had, so I stopped talking about it. But today I tried again. 

Me: Clubs and nightlife just haven’t been the same lately.

Angel: (not looking up from his book) Oh?

Me: Yeah, I haven’t gotten out - or gotten any - in ages.

Angel: (still not looking up from his bloody book) Maybe you should give it another go, then.

Guys, when it comes down to it, Angel and I have known each other a long time, and if he were interested, he would have said something by now. 

The whole blog feels like one big creep move right now, so I might not post anything anymore. 

Thanks for all your help.

  
  


**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: 1) He IS keen. 2) Whining about how long it’s been since you’ve gotten laid is The Worst Way To Flirt. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! Fuck, the collar-grabbing worked better than that!

HereTryAnApple: I wasn’t even trying to flirt, I was just trying to get him to TALK TO ME.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Yeah, about his sex life, so you could flirt.

LiteraryCannon: It sounds like he was just saying what he wanted you to hear. He could have been non-reactive because he was trying not to react.

FlyingChaucer2: Don’t give up now! After all the flirty things he’s said, don’t let one remark get you down!

Whollyfock12: Lurker popping in to say don’t give up! I love this blog and he sounds TOTES interested in you.

DapperGentleman7: Discussing sex as “getting any” might not have been to his taste, either.

KinkyFLICKER1: Even if all of his flirty remarks have been offhand and he ISN’T keen, that doesn’t mean he CAN’T be. And I personally think he IS. 

The following February [four months later]: 

HereHaveASword: I feel creeped out by none of this. I'm glad you had the support of your followers while I was figuring myself out. And I did not catch that you were flirting at that time, or even prying. 

HereTryAnApple: Fair enough, I guess.


	23. BIG NEWS

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 8, 2019

Guys, I HAVE to blog about this - ANGEL GOT A MOBILE!!!!!!!!!

No, not a NEW mobile, his FIRST mobile. He’s been using an ancient rotary phone for decades. He refused to get one. But today he said something about “adapting to the times” and showed me the box. 

It’s an Android, but it’s the latest model and fully capable of all of the communication I’ve been wishing I could do with him for years. I can just TEXT him memes now.

If he checks it…

I guess we’ll have to see how well he actually keeps up with it, but here’s the best part.

I got to sit right up next to him for hours today and show him how to use it. It was both funny and frustrating how he refused to believe a sheet of glass could work like buttons, but he got the hang of it eventually. And I only lost my temper once - I swear he provokes me on purpose, talking about how sweet it is for me to teach him how to use the damn thing. BUT I wasn’t violent. No manhandling here. I did better. 

  
  


**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Dear god, dude, I’m happy you’re happy, but you don’t get a cookie for not being violent. What are you, 6???

HereTryAnApple: Thousand.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: What does that even mean? You’re so weird sometimes.

HereTryAnApple: Demon.

ScrewMemeSilly: Yay Angel for basic 21st century functioning! Yay HereTryAnApple for basic human functioning!

HereTryAnApple: Not human.

ScrewMemeSilly: Whatever. lol

DapperGentleman7: Oh, dear. There are things that one should respect about the past, but I do not understand those who refuse to keep up with new technologies. I’m glad your Angel will get to experience the joys of a mobile.

KinkyFLICKER1: Mobile is British for cell phone, right? Yay-yuh, Angel, do that adapting and send some nudes to @HereTryAnApple!! 

HereTryAnApple: Ha! Right.

KinkyFLICKER1: What, is he too prude for nudes?

HereTryAnApple: He’s too prude to even talk about his sex life with me.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Dammit, @KinkyFLICKER1, don’t get him thinking about that! Prude is a nasty word, anyway. I’ve met Angel, and he doesn’t come off to me that way. I bet he has a wild side.

HereTryAnApple: I don’t know if I should be applauding you for standing up for Angel or YELLING AT YOU FOR THINKING ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT, STOP IT, FUCK!

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Guilty conscience, much? I didn’t say anything crazy, the explicit stuff is in YOUR head.

HereTryAnApple: IT BETTER BE.

BeingThoreau2: So you were teaching someone how to use a cell phone for the first time and you didn’t lose your temper until he flirted with you? 

HereTryAnApple: He wasn’t FLIRTING, he was trying to piss me off.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: He was flirting.

FlyingChaucer2: Yeah, that was flirting.

BeingThoreau2: Flirting.

KinkyFLICKER1: Angel be a flirt.

Whollyfock12: He was so focking flirting.

ScrewMemeSilly: Calling you sweet is def flirting

HereTryAnApple: Goddammit. Thank you guys for saying, I guess

The following February [four months later]: 

HereHaveASword: I was flirting.

HereTryAnApple: Goddammit. I'm gonna kiss you now.


	24. Your stupid flirting theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all. I'm sorry for the hiatus. Hopefully this post will be juicy enough to make up for it. I love writing flirting and banter so much. And I had an idea I'll mention at the end...
> 
> Some of you reached out on the Ineffable Husbands Fanfiction Writers/Readers group on Facebook to make sure I was okay. I love this community so much. So, yes, it's been a rough time in terms of mental health, but I seem to be on the mend now. I love this fandom so much. <3

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 15, 2019

I’ve been testing this theory you people brought up about Angel flirting with me, and I’m pretty sure you’re a bunch of chumps.

As I posted last time, he finally has a phone. So I’ve been trying texting him. I’m actually hanging out with him less because it’s kind of easier for me to flirt with him over text.

Anyway.

First, I tried something more subtle. “I have nothing to tell you but I want to text with you.”

His reply: “Then we will text about a topic of my choosing. Let’s see… Have I told you about this new type of book glue ~~that the humans~~ that’s been invented?”

So I’d consider that a failure.

Then I tried, “Do you like it when someone else makes the first move?”

Mind you, I have no idea if he’s ever been in a sexual or romantic relationship. But I _think_ he has. 

His response: “You know I prefer to play black in chess, it’s more of a challenge.”

So did he understand my meaning or not??? Ugh. Probably not.

So then a different type of opportunity came up. I was running late and he texted, “Are you ready?”

So I responded, “Nope, can’t find any underwear.”

His response? “ ~~Then miracle some.~~ Hurry up.”

My only consolation? Any time I offer to take him out for food, he’s all for it. And if I ask him to come over, he will. But it’s all business as usual.

  
  
  


**Comments:**

WelcomeToThePrideParade: He knew what you meant with the first move text. I think. I bet. Probably.

DapperGentleman7: Face-to-face courtship is probably best, if he’s anything like me, as you’ve suggested.

BeingThoreau2: The question is, has he sent YOU any interesting texts???

HereTryAnApple: He texts me stupid shit all the time. His first few texts were meaningless typos. But that’s not what you mean. Yeah, one time he texted me “Everything is making me think of you” and I threw a small party, but I know he didn’t mean it like that. I had to be like, “Well, yeah, because we spend every minute together” and figured I should keep my distance for the rest of the day, at least.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: YOU IDIOT. WHAT IF HE DID MEAN IT LIKE THAT??? YOU JUST BLEW HIM OFF WORSE THAN HE’S BEEN BLOWING YOU OFF!!

BeingThoreau2: That is indeed interesting. And worth a second look.

HereTryAnApple: Chill, people. Also, at one point he texted me to ask if it was safe to take the phone into the shower. _Um, NO, Angel. No, it is not. And now I’m thinking about you in the shower. Brilliant._

WelcomeToThePrideParade: UGH, DUDE, I ALMOST USED YOUR NAME JUST NOW AND IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN MY FAULT IF I HAD. MORON! HE WANTED YOU TO KNOW HE WAS IN THE SHOWER.

HereTryAnApple: That’s a stretch, don’t you think?

KinkyFLICKER1: No. No it is not. He wanted you to think about him in the shower. Also, everything makes him think of you because he lurrrrrves you.

ScrewMemeSilly: Just text him “I want to kiss you” and get it over with already.

LeavesOfGrDonkey: He’s a lit nerd, right? If he asks if your family is in good health, it means he wants to marry you. Also keep an eye out for sonnets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my idea. I normally don't actually like fics that burn THIS slow. And in RAR, Aziraphale eventually reads through the entire blog. So what if some of these posts had Aziraphale's commentary at the bottom, dated in late February [February 20, 2020 (three months later)] or something like that? And we could get the commenters coming back to interact with him, too.
> 
> If I decide to do this, I'll be going back and adding Aziraphale's comments to some of the first 23, also... and definitely to this one.
> 
> Thoughts?


	25. Word porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed another update! Yay! 
> 
> I also went through and added Aziraphale's commentary to all chapters except 17.
> 
> And I reduced the chapter count to something a liiiiittle more realistic. If I can get some momentum going again.
> 
> <3

Post by HereTryAnApple

November 20, 2019

Today I texted Angel and said, “Can I send you some porn?”

His response: “You most certainly may not!”

So I sent him this:

Without revealing too much, let’s just say he’s a fan of bookshops.

He responded, “That’s lovely, but why is it called porn?”

How do I explain word porn / food porn / etc. to him? I’m laughing my ass off but actually not sure.

**Comments:**

  
  


KinkyFLICKER1: You should have sent him a real porn gif.

HereTryAnApple: I don’t think he would appreciate that.

KinkyFLICKER: Or dick pic. Or a sext. A tasteful sext.

HereTryAnApple: Is there such a thing? Wait, no, don’t send me any examples. I believe you.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Food porn is easier to explain than word porn, because you’re looking at something pleasant that you don’t get to partake in, yourself. Word porn, I guess, is like poetry. It’s supposed to make you feel something, like porn does.

HereTryAnApple: Can I copy-paste that? I’ll credit you.

WelcomeToThePrideParade: Sure.

HereTryAnApple: He responded: “So “word porn” is modern slang for poetry? All right, then, send me as much of that type of porn as you like.”

ScrewMemeSilly: He’s soliciting poetry from you ;)

HereTryAnApple: Don’t say it like that.

Being Thoreau12: Some more word porn for your angel.

HereTryAnApple: He'll like this. Thanks!

The following February [three months later]:

HereHaveASword: We've had some fun with word porn, haven't we?

HereTryAnApple: Ha! 


End file.
